Weird, right? Not funny, I know.
Grumpy Anna will be unimpressed with any excuse I can come up with…
In all seriousness, though, it is shameful how bad I’ve been about getting on here. I have no excuses… except, well, finishing uni has been far more traumatic than I fully expected. Leaving has highlighted how poor I am, which has resulted in me asking (yes, actually asking) for extra shifts at work. I’m now finding it difficult to do anything apart from stare vacantly at the TV when I get back from work.
So, what’s new since I was last blogging away? Not much. In-between spouts of serious writer’s block, work – somehow I’m still poor, how is that even possible? – and vacant TV staring, I have edited my story into some semblance of ‘done-ness.’ It is at the point now where I’m looking up agents. This process has not been a fun one. There are countless ‘you can do it if you just keep trying’ and ‘you’re not a real writer until you can cover your bedroom walls in rejection letters’ stories. Each one outlines the struggle of the hopeful writer sending their stories away, but none answer one question that is burning a hole through any hope I have: Rejection is all well and good, but what on earth am I going to do if no one even asks to read the rest of my manuscript?
In the past, this would not have been as big a hurdle as it is now. Before my Masters, my story never felt finished. No matter how many times I thought it, there was always a little niggling doubt that said ‘you hate this bit, and that bit, remember?’ Only now, after a year of intensive edits, do I actually feel happy. This happiness is somewhat tinged with fear. There’s nothing to change, nothing I hate, or feel unsure about. So, if no one even gets through my first three chapters: what the actual hell am I going to do? Do I rip the story apart again, for the millionth time? Do I change the plot? Do I start to doubt my certainty that I had at the beginning of the year, where I went and changed the tense from past to present and the POV from third person to first at the same time (this was my most ambitious edit that nearly cost me my sanity.) Do I blame my lack of success on my cover letter or synopsis?
All of these questions and fears are running through my head right now. You may point out this fear is a little premature. I need to get the ball rolling. I need to plaster my walls with rejection letters (hypothetical letters, anyway, everything is digital now and there’s something a little macabre about printing off rejection emails to then stare at them glumly before I go to sleep.)
Whatever happens with it, I promise not to abandon the blog again. I’ll definitely do better!